Hot Buttons

 Hot Buttons.......October 2010:

Joey: Hey Gramps.

Gramps: Hi Joey. And for what reason do I have this pleasure?

Joey: I was wondering if you would do me a favor and help with a school project?

Gramps: Sure. What is it?

Joey: Well, it's for my Civics class. Mr. Horton's assignment is to ask three people their opinions
on who was America's best president and who was the worst. They have to be from three different age groups, for instance I can have one young, one middle age and one elderly.

Gramps: I'm in, Who are you getting for the young person and the elderly one?

Joey: Uh....Well I asked Uncle Tim....and I asked Jimmy Jones who graduated a few years ago..

Grampa: Hmmmm. So that makes me...the....uh....elderly?

Joey: Well, yeah...elderly or senior citizen I guess.

Granpa: Joey. I'm 59 and 3/4 years old. Did you know that Gordie Howe played
professional hockey until he was 51 years old?

Joey: Gordie who?

Gramps: Not "who"..."Howe."

Joey: How what?

Granpa: Never mind.

Joey: Wow, you knew a lot about sports when you were young!

Gramps: So, do you just want me to name the presidents?

Joey: Well, you're supposed to give your thoughts on why you chose them.

Gramps: That's a cinch...... what do you mean "when I... was... young?" Did you know that Tom
Watson, he's five months older than me by the way, led most of the way in last year's
U. S. Open?

Joey: Was that the "Senior" league?

Gramps: No that wasn't the Senior league! Well, hey anyway. If there's three things I got to
give...it's opinions, opinions and opinions.

Joey: Great. I've got a recorder here, so you can just talk and I'll write down your answers
later.

Gramps: Ok, here we go. By the way. Did you know that Grandma Moses didn't start painting
until she was in her 70s? That 7...zero...70s!

Joey: Was she my great-grandma?

Grampa: No. Never mind. You know, I was thinking, the name "Gramps" makes one sound old....
now you can't really call me Wilbur?

Joey: Did you have a nickname when you were....uh....real, real young?

Gramps: Well, yeah. They called me "bolthead" because I liked to fix cars so much.

Juey: Bolt......head?

Gramps: Not, bolt........head, bolthead, the girls loved it.

Joey: So you want me to call you Grampa bolthead?

Gramps: Lets just forget it, back to this assignment...take a seat and fasten
your seat belt for you hit on two hot buttons today.

Joey: Hey, you got a lot a "hot buttons", how bout if I call you "hot
buttons?"

Gramps: Hot buttons huh? Yeah that'll work.

Joey: Did my dad have a nickname when he was young?

Hot Buttons: Yes he did but I think that he should be the one who tells you...if he wants to.
Ok. here we go.....cough cough...ah...hem! I've actually thought about this before.My vote for our greatest president was the Gipper.

Joey: The What?

Hot Buttons: The Gipper. You mean you that you didn't know that Ronald Reagan's nick-
was the "Gipper." Well, let me tell you something else that you might not have known.
Reagan was a couple of weeks short of 70 years old, that's 7...zero...70 when he was
inaugurated our 40th president. Anyway, I look at three areas when trying to make a
choice like this. How did the economy do during the presidency, how about our foreign
policy and national defense....and was the American public changed in any way while
he was in office? On the economy, America prospered, primarily due to tax cuts for
the American people, after the malaise of the Carter Administration. Do you know what
"Malaise" means?

Joey: No!

Hot buttons: Neither do I but put it in anyway...it sounds good. Anyway, Reagan strengthened our
military, that and our growth was a death knell for the Soviet Union. As for the spirit
of Americans...his words, always beautiful and profound, inspired, they motivated,
they instilled a confidence in the people, they melted even his stronger detractors.
He was the quintessential example of leadership. Do you know what "quintessential"
means?

Joey: Yeah.

Hot Buttons: Good. Tell me later. So that's my choice for our greatest president. As for the worst.
Joey, this is sad in talking about for it's our current president. I knew from the
beginning that I disagreed with his policies but I wasn't prepared for what transpired,
and it continues almost every day. The bailouts, admittedly started by his predecessor,
and the stimulus packages that put us so deeply in debt that we will never overcome
this burden, the attack on "business" in general that appears to come from deep
inward hostility towards America's worldwide economic prowess, and the taxation
that will make "all" Americans totally dependent on what their government allows,
these things, and others, make him America's worst president on our economy. The
national defense and foreign policy are even worse, if possible. Our longstanding
advantage in military capabilities is being eroded. Aircraft and navies of governments
who are not friends of ours, are catching up and may surpass us. Our allies are on
"pins and needles" as they try to determine what we will do in an emergency. Lastly, the
American public has become two peoples in one nation, one still resembling America's
heritage and the other being an assortment of......groups.....seeking only benefits for their.....group. This president plays to our weaknesses instead of challenging us to think.  He's undoing much of what Martin Luther King accomplished. He lumps honest dissenters in with terrorists and lumps
terrorists in with honest Muslims. And we are only 18 months into his term! Well,
that's about it.

Joey: Thanks a lot Hot Buttons. I'll tell my dad how much you helped me. He's the one
that recommended you for the el...der..ly person.

Hot Buttons: Squiggy!

Joey: Squiggy?

Hot Buttons: Yeah...Squiggy. That was your dad's nick-name. Tell Squiggy that Hot Buttons says,
"you're welcome!?

The Blob From Pittsburgh

 

I don't have a comment link as a true blog would have....and addressed the issue a few times by trying to fill this void with....examples....of comments that I....might receive if I did offer that option....and answers that I might give if I received what I might receive...or something like that.

April 14, 2009

Special Dog...or can I just call you dog? I am daily transfixed by this blog because of the constant seepage of stupidity, trivial boredom and jokes that are as funny as George Bush in the Oval Office. So you fancy yourself an expert in foreign policy, economics, religion and motivational techniques? In actuality, Charles Manson was probably a better influence on his group. You could have been one of Il Duce's Red Shirts from what I have seen of your regurgitating all of Bush's lies. He couldn't get bin Laden so he went after the guy who tried to hurt his Poppy. He's just an American Sheik and will be wearing much bigger pin-stripes when the International Court gets hold of him. As for Economics, you probably can't even balance your own checkbook! Religion? Apparently you have condemned everyone that does not agree with you to hell. God is a loving God, my friend, and he knows my heart and I am fully confident that he will accept me into his kingdom, should he really exist. And as for the advice that you seem to relish in giving, I can make a good case for guns not being the number one thing that needs banned. Trust me, you are no psychologist. Had you lived a century earlier, Freud would have written of the idiot, the ego and the superego. Dale from Elmira.

Dale, please excuse me for delaying in this response. I was quite taken aback by some of your comments. As for bad jokes, you are probably alluding to my question, "How do you tell a female fish from a male fish? You throw it in the bottom of the boat and if it flops this way and that way trying to get out, it is probably a male. If it looks up at you and says...Excuse me, could you give me directions on how to get of this boat... it is probably a female." Unfortunately, I have to admit, this was not a joke. I had heard this and just assumed that it was true. I got to thinking later and realized....fish can't talk. I don't mean to be picky but Mussolini had his Black Shirts, Hitler had his Brown Shirts, Al Gore has his Green Shirts and I believe that it is Hillary that is planning on Red Shirts. I have no idea how you know that I can't balance my own checkbook. I assume that it was just a lucky guess. I'll have you know that I studied psychology under Dr. Robert Hartley for eight seasons...er....years. I hope all is well in Elmira.

And this from August 13, 2011

Dogface....you are a conceited blowhard, a pipsqueak fabricator of lies, a bourgeoisie barnacle on the (deleted) of the Koch brothers, a textbook example of a fool, a dimwitted-moronic-imbecilic monkey who happens to type. Your brain is half the size of the iPhone you write about. You are probably a pig at the dinner table. The monitor on your computer is probably pitted from the noxious fumes coming from your bloated head. The monitors of those who happen, by pure chance, to come across your drivel are probably covered with vomit. You can't spell, you can't write, you can't even think. You give the alphabet a bad name. Spellcheck can't even figure out your hoof-pecked random assortment of letters vaguely resembling English words. I have read every blog you have fouled cyberspace with and now have nightmares of a blob coming out of Pittsburgh that sucks the air out of all footballs. Sincerely, Harry

Dear Harry, I am not a pipsqueak!! As for the nightmares...that's weird...can't help you there.

And these from this past March,

Dear Sir, I wanted to point out some errors in your thinking and logic with precision and clarity. Barack Obama is on his way to becoming the greatest President in United States history. His grasp of foreign policy has the wisdom of Solomon. Who else is able to see the circumlocution of the George Kennan doctrine and eviscerate military buildups without pandering to those who never really had the courage to build seminal relationships void of jealousy and rage. Our economy has moved along a line of tepid improvement while strengthening its fundamental structure without endangering the primary "amino acids" if you will, of sound, strong improvement? President Obama has instilled hope in those who, up until now, have only been able to call on inner motivations to face the massive forces aligned against them, all with due diligence to what every American has called its heritage, that being, total awareness of every liability that lurks within the assets of this post-Utopian age. Science has profited from the reality inherent in the broad scope of multi-faceted organizations that are constantly in flux and progressing at an incredible rate! The much maligned educational system has not only survived but demonstrated ingenuity in spite of numerous attempts to confound every non-consequential perfidy this administration has identified and pursued with more than due diligence. Generally, finding answers to every problem is a Herculean task but no Sisyphean quest for  only by addressing every profligate Republican led maneuver can we actually turn these assaults into blessings for every American! It's been truly remarkable. Barack Obama has more than demonstrated brilliance, he has made the word synonymous with "Obama Administration." I'm sorry to bust your bubble but logic always always wins the day and clarity is the weapon of choice for every true and blue American! Julius Chernenko, Professor of Inner-Gender Studies and Holographic Historicity at the City College of Bangor, Maine P.S. Although on a slightly different topic you might want to read my paper titled The Sex Habits of the Pontchartrainian Turtle and its correlation to the "God Myth.".

Dear Professor Chernenko, I had trouble following the meaning of your comments for I only have a college education. I did though, happen across your paper while sitting in the doctor's office waiting for a butt enhancement procedure. It sounded like a Communist plot!

and this also...

Man u r nuts. What's all this comunism crap. I cant understan a word u say. u must have a innerear problem. get with it dude. Mark from L.A. the real spechal dog!

Dear...Mark...er...Spechal Dog...thanks for the input.

He Didn't Expend One Foot Pound Of Energy In The Whole Ordeal

             Our dog was overdue for a bath and we had a house full of people coming over the next day. This is two days ago. Now he does not like getting a bath. My wife and I usually struggle big time getting him into the tub....but she wasn't due home for about a half hour.....and I really wanted to get this over with. So I tried to get the dog in the tub by myself but he's just too big for me to lift him. I did try it and could feel it in my back so I gave up on that idea. I next tried to bribe him with Milkbones......but that didn't work. So I went to the refrigerator for some cooked ground beef. I held it in my hand over the tub but the dog just looked at me. About twenty minutes had passed by now so I got in the tub and sat down with my hand open showing him the ground beef. He still just looked over into the tub. I knew that if my wife came home just then that she would grab her iPhone quickly and take that picture.....of me sitting in the tub.....fully clothed.....my hand open with ground beef in it.....and the dog just sitting there looking at me. So now I'm wrestling with the dog.....trying to drag him over the edge of the tub. It's 90 degrees and I'm drenched in sweat. I finally got his front legs in with me....and then threw what was probably a good wrestling move on him as I quickly went for his back legs and grunted as I dragged them in the tub. So now there is the two of us sitting in the tub....and he's mostly on top of me. I still had the ground beef clenched in my hand. I heard my wife coming up the stairs....that picture would have been worse.....so I got out of the tub fast.....not that easy for a 69 year old guy.....and turned the water on as if nothing were out of the ordinary on dog bath day.

Your Horse Is So Fat....

           So...what is up with these posts? One day the writer is telling jokes...the next he's sobbing about America's impending calamities....and the next he's writing about the glories of God? I don't blame you for wondering about this. I'll try my best to explain it.  We'll have to go back to those fun lovin' Puritans:

         Obadiah:     Charity?
         Charity:       What dost thee want Obadiah?
         Obadiah:      Knock knock?
         Charity:       Obadiah, why dost thee say...knock knock?
         Obadiah:      Tis a path for laughter Charity. Thee should answer with...Who knocketh
                              on my door?
         Charity:        Oh! Who knocketh on my door?
         Obadiah:      Jehoshaphat.
         Charity:        I knoweth no Jehoshaphat!
         Obadiah:      Charity...thee should say...Jehoshaphat who.
         Charity:        Tis not good grammar Obadiah. Would God receive
                              glory by using improper grammar?       
         Obadiah:       Doth not God receive glory by obeying thy husband?
         Charity:        Oh, since thee putteth it as such...Jehoshaphat...who?
         Obadiah:       Ya hoss' so fat...it maketh thy flesh appeareth lean...without fatness...
                               ha ha ha ha....ha ha ha ha ha!
          Charity:        Obadiah, has thee been drinking evening ale again for refreshment
                               as thee tilleth the fields ?

         Now I'm sure that it didn't happen quite like this but the Puritans were a serious people who sought glory for their God in everything that they did. They also recognized that God wished them to be joyful and adorned with laughter when not working in their professions or in their fields.
         It is true...the Puritan would not be laughing too much today, living in Vanity Fair as we do, but they would still share laughter at times when their prayers were complete for the evening. I can assure you that my own eyes are moist with sorrow more than with tears from laughter, for our beloved nation indeed staggers as a drunken sot while highwaymen wait to pounce on their fat prey.
         Puritanism is regularly ridiculed today and lambasted from the editorial page to the comics and from the telly to the silver screen but we are but mice compared to their manliness and clownish to their stateliness. The Puritan of England and of our own beginnings in America was very seriously something to behold and I have to even watch that I do not make light of their lifestyle in a way that obscures their main purpose which was to 'Glorify God and enjoy Him forever!'

Tuesdays With Special Dog

 The following is the setting from a post from the fall of 2016. It was supposed to be a series of weekly conversations between two good friends.....at a Starbucks....in Manhattan....but I never did a followup....until now

          OK....we're sitting around a table having coffee...no....let's make it a little more interesting...it's Fifth Avenue in Manhattan on a cold and rainy fall evening. We are sitting in a Starbucks drinking a caramel frappuccino (you) and a coffee (me)....wait, I hate Starbucks coffee.... I'm drinking a latte. There are no orange, yellow and red leaves to look at but with a little imagination the bright red, yellow and orange raincoats on the ladies walking by can be as enjoyable....and the neon lights mirroring off the oil slicked avenue can be as a wide mountain stream reflecting the colors of an aurora in the low hanging clouds. Fast forward to today for their next meeting....

Tuesdays With Special Dog....After The Lockdown

Me......"Hey John......brother......Good to see you again. I've really missed our Tuesday talks!

John...."Yeah....I missed them too.....I've missed conversation with any human being during this virus!"

A waiter shuffles over and sprays and wipes down their small round table. He's wearing a small silver dust mask....and some kind of silver du-rag on top of his head. After ordering....Special Dog looks at John and comments...

Me...."John....does that waiter look a little like Woody Allen's fake robot character in Sleeper?"

John....."It sure does Special Dog!"

Me......"Don't call me Special Dog....anyway....texting is OK but it's not the same....what do want to talk about?"

John....."There's no sports to talk about like we usually do....nothing to talk about except politics really.....so why don't we just go right into where you finish each week up with anyway....the end of the world?"

Me....."Ha Ha Ha....finally.....we get to the serious stuff first."

John....with a serious expression...."What's your take on this world shutdown?"

Me.....after pausing....."Well....number one....looking back on it....one moment we're bragging about our great accomplishments....predicting even greater things in the future.....and then.....out of no where....bam!"

John...."You know what really shook me.....they.....the government....they can do anything they want from now on....under the right circumstances.....we're cooked."

Me...."Yeah....like that proverbial frog in the kettle."

John...."OK....I'm going to cut to the quick.....what do you think is next?"

Me...."I don't know John. I didn't know that this particular judgment was coming. I just know that God's Word has made it clear for a long time that His patience with us was wearing thin."

The waiter shuffles over....Special Dog and John look him over.....as John tries a trick and says to him...."Woody?" The waiter answers...."Yes sir?" John and Special look at each other and John asks...."Are you Woody Allen?" The waiter's eyes under horned rim glasses go wide....."No!"....and begins to walk away....but adds....."My last name is Konigsberg." John and Special Dog again look at each other.

Me....."John....we both go way back in our Christian walk to the early 80s. We knew back then that the Lord must be coming back soon....we knew what America had become.....and now we're ten times worse but we lost all of that discernment. Even with something like this.....we still won't consider ourselves under judgment.....amazing!"

John...."Maybe if we lived in....say Indiana or somewhere....I might just want to start living life again just like before.....but after seeing what happened in the city over the past few months....I think I'm ready to see if I may have missed these warnings that you were always talking about?"

Me....."John.....my situation is even worse than that.....I knew Jesus was near.....this catastrophe didn't surprise me....and it still shook me up! It laid me low. I know these are days of judgment and I still cling too much to this life. I wonder how I'll react when it gets even worse? I'll tell you this....it really increased my prayer life."

John..."Are you referring to that 'peace and security' passage that you talked about last time....where you thought that the 'peace and security' follows some kind of catastrophe....you think this is it?"

Me....."That passage of prophetic scripture is never far from my mind. I know this....we looked at Donald Trump and celebrated peace and security....and prosperity and greatness. We didn't even give this perceived glory to God. We took it for a president and for ourselves."

John...."Laura.....(John's wife).....is reading prophesy all the time now."

Me...."You mean prophesy books that are out there?"

John....."No....thank goodness.....she's reading Jeremiah and Isaiah and Micah and all of them....and Peter and Paul....and especially the words of Jesus about things like this....and uh....your blog."

Me...."I have to think that there may be a winnowing of some sort coming in the church....a long needed winnowing where redeemed Christians from all denominations are set apart by these circumstances....set apart from those who take the faith that they proclaim only so far....and John....I don't think it's going to be pretty."

The waiter shuffled back...."Can I get you another Latte?" John looked across the table to his friend...."Special Dog?"....

Me....."Don't call me Special Dog." 

Waiter...."Excuse me....what kind of name is Special Dog?"

Me...."I write a blog....well more of a bulletin board of posts....a little humor sometimes....under that name."

Waiter...."I write too....a little humor!"

John and Special Dog looked at each other again.

Me....."Have you ever worked in Movies?"

Waiter...."What am I....the mystery guest on What's My line?" That was enough for Special Dog.

Me...."Woody....I would like to tell you about Jesus Christ. Not the Jesus Christ you may think Him to be....but the one who the prophet Isaiah spoke of.....and the Psalms told of....the Messiah who desires very much that Jewish People would search their scriptures anew to see who He is."

Waiter....throws up his hands...."See....I wear a rag on top of my head and people think I'm a Jew. People are always looking at me and thinking....'He must be a Jew!' "

John stood up....knowing where his friend was going.....smiled....and said...."Special Dog....and uh Woody....I think I'll let you two alone to talk....I think you have a lot in common.....somewhere."

John leaves....and Special Dog pulls out the chair next to him and says...."Sit down Woody....please....you see I have this neurosis....I think that everyone thinks I'm a fanatic....and I think that you might be able to help."

Woody sits down...."You used the word 'think' three times in one sentence....you do need help....so why do they....think....you are a fanatic?

Me....."Woody....I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

Waiter....."Play it again Sam."

              So.....I came in the room and called our grandson over to show him how to paint on a Buddha Board....I dipped the brush into the water.....two trees....and some rolling hills.....I thought it was pretty good....and my wife came and said...."Hey that's my tonic water!" I think that America would be split down the middle here on who was at fault.....her for leaving a glass of water by the Buddha Board.....or me for not inquiring what this water was for....or not wondering why there was a slice of lime in it?

              

Sean Interviews The President

 May of 2017

Sean:                       Welcome to the show Mr. President.

President Trump:     Thank you Sean. You may kiss my ring.
Sean:                       Ha Ha. That's Funny! And that's a beautiful ring too.
President Trump:     The wall's already built.
Sean:                       What's that again?
President Trump:     The wall is already built. I like to talk in the future/past tense.
Sean:                       The future/past tense?
President Trump:     That's right. Common Core is gone and my second term is going well...
Sean:                       I get it....I think. Anyway. Let met start, I know that your a busy man, let
                                me start with this question. You said that you would sit down and talk with
                                Kim Jong-un...is that correct?
President Trump:    That's correct. And I wouldn't be surprised to find out that he's a good
                               man...a very good man...probably as good as Duterte or whatever his name is.
Sean:                      Well, I wouldn't put anything past your negotiating abilities.
President Trump:    Someday I hope to sit down with Satan.
Sean:                      Ha ha...ha........ha..............ha....Satan?
President Trump:    That's right.
Sean:                      You're a great kidder Mr. President!
President Trump:     I'm not kidding. I'm going to ask Hillary to conjure him up. She's really a very
                                good women you know.
Sean:                      Mr. President. Satan is the cause of the fall of man!
President Trump:     What man?
Sean:                       Adam.
President Trump:     Adam who?
Sean:                       Mr. President, Satan is the great deceiver!
President Trump:     That's politics Sean.
Sean:                       The good book says that Satan is a deceiver....and a destroyer!
President Trump:      Norman Vincent Peale's The Power Of Positive Thinking says that?
Sean:                       No...the Bible. Have you ever read the Bible sir?
President Trump:     Sean. I read three books in my life...and two of them didn't have any pictures.
                                So I obviously love to read but the Bible has all those thee's and thou's. Too
                                many prepositions!
Sean:                       Those are pronouns sir.
President Trump:     Whatever. I tried to read it once. I read once sentence...something like....In the
                                beginning God created the heavens and the earth. I don't think this patent would
                                hold up in court.
Sean:                       Well, I can see we're out of time. Thank you for coming on the show.....yes I
                                saw that earlier.....it's a very nice ring.
                   
                                   

An Informed Citizenry

Knock on the door...

John Smith: Hello! My name is John Smith and I am running for Senator. 
Citizen: Nice too meet you. 
John Smith: Are you tired of higher and higher taxes? 
Citizen: Yes! 
John Smith: Are you for a strong national defense? 
Citizen: Yes.
John Smith: Do you think that families are our most important asset? 
Citizen: Yes. 
John Smith: Well so do I and I would appreciate your vote this November! 
Citizen: Oh, I'm sorry. You must be looking for the village idiot. He lives four houses up, but if you would like to have an adult conversation some day...please stop back. 

The outside of the envelope typically says something like....Important! We must stop (you put in the issue.) Inside might be ten very challenging questions such as Do you want Hugo Chavez teaching your children? Next there will be a block to check if we want to join the fight, and finally you will have four choices of giving $25, $50, $75 or $100. I read recently where someone asked Yogi Berra if he thought that Joe DiMaggio marrying Marilyn Monroe was a good thing. He answered I don't know if it's a good thing or not but it sure beats rooming with Phil Rizzuto. I get the point but as far as having a conversation, I'll take the Yankee shortstop 

John Smith: Hello Ms. Monroe. My name is John Smith and I'm running for Senator. 
Marilyn: Oh! Would you get to wear one of those cute black gowns? 
John Smith: No, Supreme Court Justices wear those. Are you tired of higher and higher taxes? 
Marilyn: I don't know. I've never been any higher in Texas than Houston? 
John Smith: Er...Are you for a strong national defense? 
Marilyn: Okay! 
John Smith: Do you think that families are our most important asset" 
Marilyn: Thank-you! 
John Smith: What? 
Marilyn: Huh?

 Thomas Jefferson: "A well-informed electorate is a prerequisite to democracy."

Note: I wrote the above few sentences about twelve years ago. Things are different today....on our side of the aisle....as they say in the Congress.....for today.....if one were to listen to 'conservative' talk radio beginning in the morning with Breitbart's Alex Marlow.....and straight on through to midnight....ending with....whatever her name is.....you would not be an informed citizen....but rather just a radio denizen.....someone occupying space.....but with a vote....so an important denizen.....just occupying space.