Your Horse Is So Fat....

           So...what is up with these posts? One day the writer is telling jokes...the next he's sobbing about America's impending calamities....and the next he's writing about the glories of God? I don't blame you for wondering about this. I'll try my best to explain it.  We'll have to go back to those fun lovin' Puritans:

         Obadiah:     Charity?
         Charity:       What dost thee want Obadiah?
         Obadiah:      Knock knock?
         Charity:       Obadiah, why dost thee say...knock knock?
         Obadiah:      Tis a path for laughter Charity. Thee should answer with...Who knocketh
                              on my door?
         Charity:        Oh! Who knocketh on my door?
         Obadiah:      Jehoshaphat.
         Charity:        I knoweth no Jehoshaphat!
         Obadiah:      Charity...thee should say...Jehoshaphat who.
         Charity:        Tis not good grammar Obadiah. Would God receive
                              glory by using improper grammar?       
         Obadiah:       Doth not God receive glory by obeying thy husband?
         Charity:        Oh, since thee putteth it as such...Jehoshaphat...who?
         Obadiah:       Ya hoss' so fat...it maketh thy flesh appeareth lean...without fatness...
                               ha ha ha ha....ha ha ha ha ha!
          Charity:        Obadiah, has thee been drinking evening ale again for refreshment
                               as thee tilleth the fields ?

         Now I'm sure that it didn't happen quite like this but the Puritans were a serious people who sought glory for their God in everything that they did. They also recognized that God wished them to be joyful and adorned with laughter when not working in their professions or in their fields.
         It is true...the Puritan would not be laughing too much today, living in Vanity Fair as we do, but they would still share laughter at times when their prayers were complete for the evening. I can assure you that my own eyes are moist with sorrow more than with tears from laughter, for our beloved nation indeed staggers as a drunken sot while highwaymen wait to pounce on their fat prey.
         Puritanism is regularly ridiculed today and lambasted from the editorial page to the comics and from the telly to the silver screen but we are but mice compared to their manliness and clownish to their stateliness. The Puritan of England and of our own beginnings in America was very seriously something to behold and I have to even watch that I do not make light of their lifestyle in a way that obscures their main purpose which was to 'Glorify God and enjoy Him forever!'

Tuesdays With Special Dog

 The following is the setting from a post from the fall of 2016. It was supposed to be a series of weekly conversations between two good friends.....at a Starbucks....in Manhattan....but I never did a followup....until now

          OK....we're sitting around a table having coffee...no....let's make it a little more interesting...it's Fifth Avenue in Manhattan on a cold and rainy fall evening. We are sitting in a Starbucks drinking a caramel frappuccino (you) and a coffee (me)....wait, I hate Starbucks coffee.... I'm drinking a latte. There are no orange, yellow and red leaves to look at but with a little imagination the bright red, yellow and orange raincoats on the ladies walking by can be as enjoyable....and the neon lights mirroring off the oil slicked avenue can be as a wide mountain stream reflecting the colors of an aurora in the low hanging clouds. Fast forward to today for their next meeting....

Tuesdays With Special Dog....After The Lockdown

Me......"Hey John......brother......Good to see you again. I've really missed our Tuesday talks!

John...."Yeah....I missed them too.....I've missed conversation with any human being during this virus!"

A waiter shuffles over and sprays and wipes down their small round table. He's wearing a small silver dust mask....and some kind of silver du-rag on top of his head. After ordering....Special Dog looks at John and comments...

Me...."John....does that waiter look a little like Woody Allen's fake robot character in Sleeper?"

John....."It sure does Special Dog!"

Me......"Don't call me Special Dog....anyway....texting is OK but it's not the same....what do want to talk about?"

John....."There's no sports to talk about like we usually do....nothing to talk about except politics really.....so why don't we just go right into where you finish each week up with anyway....the end of the world?"

Me....."Ha Ha Ha....finally.....we get to the serious stuff first."

John....with a serious expression...."What's your take on this world shutdown?"

Me.....after pausing....."Well....number one....looking back on it....one moment we're bragging about our great accomplishments....predicting even greater things in the future.....and then.....out of no where....bam!"

John...."You know what really shook me.....they.....the government....they can do anything they want from now on....under the right circumstances.....we're cooked."

Me...."Yeah....like that proverbial frog in the kettle."

John...."OK....I'm going to cut to the quick.....what do you think is next?"

Me...."I don't know John. I didn't know that this particular judgment was coming. I just know that God's Word has made it clear for a long time that His patience with us was wearing thin."

The waiter shuffles over....Special Dog and John look him over.....as John tries a trick and says to him...."Woody?" The waiter answers...."Yes sir?" John and Special look at each other and John asks...."Are you Woody Allen?" The waiter's eyes under horned rim glasses go wide....."No!"....and begins to walk away....but adds....."My last name is Konigsberg." John and Special Dog again look at each other.

Me....."John....we both go way back in our Christian walk to the early 80s. We knew back then that the Lord must be coming back soon....we knew what America had become.....and now we're ten times worse but we lost all of that discernment. Even with something like this.....we still won't consider ourselves under judgment.....amazing!"

John...."Maybe if we lived in....say Indiana or somewhere....I might just want to start living life again just like before.....but after seeing what happened in the city over the past few months....I think I'm ready to see if I may have missed these warnings that you were always talking about?"

Me....."John.....my situation is even worse than that.....I knew Jesus was near.....this catastrophe didn't surprise me....and it still shook me up! It laid me low. I know these are days of judgment and I still cling too much to this life. I wonder how I'll react when it gets even worse? I'll tell you this....it really increased my prayer life."

John..."Are you referring to that 'peace and security' passage that you talked about last time....where you thought that the 'peace and security' follows some kind of catastrophe....you think this is it?"

Me....."That passage of prophetic scripture is never far from my mind. I know this....we looked at Donald Trump and celebrated peace and security....and prosperity and greatness. We didn't even give this perceived glory to God. We took it for a president and for ourselves."

John...."Laura.....(John's wife).....is reading prophesy all the time now."

Me...."You mean prophesy books that are out there?"

John....."No....thank goodness.....she's reading Jeremiah and Isaiah and Micah and all of them....and Peter and Paul....and especially the words of Jesus about things like this....and uh....your blog."

Me...."I have to think that there may be a winnowing of some sort coming in the church....a long needed winnowing where redeemed Christians from all denominations are set apart by these circumstances....set apart from those who take the faith that they proclaim only so far....and John....I don't think it's going to be pretty."

The waiter shuffled back...."Can I get you another Latte?" John looked across the table to his friend...."Special Dog?"....

Me....."Don't call me Special Dog." 

Waiter...."Excuse me....what kind of name is Special Dog?"

Me...."I write a blog....well more of a bulletin board of posts....a little humor sometimes....under that name."

Waiter...."I write too....a little humor!"

John and Special Dog looked at each other again.

Me....."Have you ever worked in Movies?"

Waiter...."What am I....the mystery guest on What's My line?" That was enough for Special Dog.

Me...."Woody....I would like to tell you about Jesus Christ. Not the Jesus Christ you may think Him to be....but the one who the prophet Isaiah spoke of.....and the Psalms told of....the Messiah who desires very much that Jewish People would search their scriptures anew to see who He is."

Waiter....throws up his hands...."See....I wear a rag on top of my head and people think I'm a Jew. People are always looking at me and thinking....'He must be a Jew!' "

John stood up....knowing where his friend was going.....smiled....and said...."Special Dog....and uh Woody....I think I'll let you two alone to talk....I think you have a lot in common.....somewhere."

John leaves....and Special Dog pulls out the chair next to him and says...."Sit down Woody....please....you see I have this neurosis....I think that everyone thinks I'm a fanatic....and I think that you might be able to help."

Woody sits down...."You used the word 'think' three times in one sentence....you do need help....so why do they....think....you are a fanatic?

Me....."Woody....I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

Waiter....."Play it again Sam."

              So.....I came in the room and called our grandson over to show him how to paint on a Buddha Board....I dipped the brush into the water.....two trees....and some rolling hills.....I thought it was pretty good....and my wife came and said...."Hey that's my tonic water!" I think that America would be split down the middle here on who was at fault.....her for leaving a glass of water by the Buddha Board.....or me for not inquiring what this water was for....or not wondering why there was a slice of lime in it?

              

Sean Interviews The President

 May of 2017

Sean:                       Welcome to the show Mr. President.

President Trump:     Thank you Sean. You may kiss my ring.
Sean:                       Ha Ha. That's Funny! And that's a beautiful ring too.
President Trump:     The wall's already built.
Sean:                       What's that again?
President Trump:     The wall is already built. I like to talk in the future/past tense.
Sean:                       The future/past tense?
President Trump:     That's right. Common Core is gone and my second term is going well...
Sean:                       I get it....I think. Anyway. Let met start, I know that your a busy man, let
                                me start with this question. You said that you would sit down and talk with
                                Kim Jong-un...is that correct?
President Trump:    That's correct. And I wouldn't be surprised to find out that he's a good
                               man...a very good man...probably as good as Duterte or whatever his name is.
Sean:                      Well, I wouldn't put anything past your negotiating abilities.
President Trump:    Someday I hope to sit down with Satan.
Sean:                      Ha ha...ha........ha..............ha....Satan?
President Trump:    That's right.
Sean:                      You're a great kidder Mr. President!
President Trump:     I'm not kidding. I'm going to ask Hillary to conjure him up. She's really a very
                                good women you know.
Sean:                      Mr. President. Satan is the cause of the fall of man!
President Trump:     What man?
Sean:                       Adam.
President Trump:     Adam who?
Sean:                       Mr. President, Satan is the great deceiver!
President Trump:     That's politics Sean.
Sean:                       The good book says that Satan is a deceiver....and a destroyer!
President Trump:      Norman Vincent Peale's The Power Of Positive Thinking says that?
Sean:                       No...the Bible. Have you ever read the Bible sir?
President Trump:     Sean. I read three books in my life...and two of them didn't have any pictures.
                                So I obviously love to read but the Bible has all those thee's and thou's. Too
                                many prepositions!
Sean:                       Those are pronouns sir.
President Trump:     Whatever. I tried to read it once. I read once sentence...something like....In the
                                beginning God created the heavens and the earth. I don't think this patent would
                                hold up in court.
Sean:                       Well, I can see we're out of time. Thank you for coming on the show.....yes I
                                saw that earlier.....it's a very nice ring.
                   
                                   

An Informed Citizenry

Knock on the door...

John Smith: Hello! My name is John Smith and I am running for Senator. 
Citizen: Nice too meet you. 
John Smith: Are you tired of higher and higher taxes? 
Citizen: Yes! 
John Smith: Are you for a strong national defense? 
Citizen: Yes.
John Smith: Do you think that families are our most important asset? 
Citizen: Yes. 
John Smith: Well so do I and I would appreciate your vote this November! 
Citizen: Oh, I'm sorry. You must be looking for the village idiot. He lives four houses up, but if you would like to have an adult conversation some day...please stop back. 

The outside of the envelope typically says something like....Important! We must stop (you put in the issue.) Inside might be ten very challenging questions such as Do you want Hugo Chavez teaching your children? Next there will be a block to check if we want to join the fight, and finally you will have four choices of giving $25, $50, $75 or $100. I read recently where someone asked Yogi Berra if he thought that Joe DiMaggio marrying Marilyn Monroe was a good thing. He answered I don't know if it's a good thing or not but it sure beats rooming with Phil Rizzuto. I get the point but as far as having a conversation, I'll take the Yankee shortstop 

John Smith: Hello Ms. Monroe. My name is John Smith and I'm running for Senator. 
Marilyn: Oh! Would you get to wear one of those cute black gowns? 
John Smith: No, Supreme Court Justices wear those. Are you tired of higher and higher taxes? 
Marilyn: I don't know. I've never been any higher in Texas than Houston? 
John Smith: Er...Are you for a strong national defense? 
Marilyn: Okay! 
John Smith: Do you think that families are our most important asset" 
Marilyn: Thank-you! 
John Smith: What? 
Marilyn: Huh?

 Thomas Jefferson: "A well-informed electorate is a prerequisite to democracy."

Note: I wrote the above few sentences about twelve years ago. Things are different today....on our side of the aisle....as they say in the Congress.....for today.....if one were to listen to 'conservative' talk radio beginning in the morning with Breitbart's Alex Marlow.....and straight on through to midnight....ending with....whatever her name is.....you would not be an informed citizen....but rather just a radio denizen.....someone occupying space.....but with a vote....so an important denizen.....just occupying space.

When Call Screening Breaks Down

Rush:       OK....let's go to Morris from Sacramento.....my adopted home town....good-morning sir....how are you?

Morris:    Mega-dittos El Rushbo. I've been listening to you since that day when I was fourteen when my dad locked my in the closet with a radio with the dial taped to your show.

Rush:      Well.....heh heh heh....what ever it takes. How can I help you today?

Morris:    Rush...you changed my life.....before you I was a brain-dead liberal....and now I know that we have three branches of government!

Rush:      Well I am America's anchorman.....but do you have a question today Morris?

Morris:    Uh....No

Rush:     OK....well thanks for calling in. Let's go tooooo....Marci from Shreveport. Welcome to the Rush Limbaugh show Marci.

Marci:    Hello Rush....I wanna say what an honor it is to talk to you.....

Rush:     Thank you

Marci:    I think that I haven't missed but four or five shows in twenty years...

Rush:    Wow....that's faithfulness! And...

Marci:   And this is the first time that I could get in.....but I didn't know the passwords before....."I wanna say what an honor it is to talk to you"....I've got one of your signed books....and a Rush coffee mug....and a....

Rush:     Marcie....what do you mean passwords?

Marci:    Oh you know.....coup....witch hunt....FISA....neverTrumpers.....words like that. My pastor filled my in on the passwords and I got right in.

Rush:     Mr. Snerdly are you awake at the wheel....heh....heh....let's go to Special Dog in Pittsburgh....Pennsylvania....my second adopted home....
I played records there on WIXZ and later on KQV back in the 70s....what can I do for you Special Dog.

S.D:      Rush....I listened to you back then. I was researching something and came across a transcript of a show of yours from 2007 where you were complaining that Barack Obama's followers were like a cult....aren't there similarities....and isn't it possible that Donald Trump's followers are like a cult?

Rush:    Folks I like to take liberal callers once in a while...

S.D.       I'm way to the right of you Rush.

Rush:     Special Dog....I'm on a heartbreak....let me just say this....I have the most intelligent callers in radio....they would never fall for some cult leader.....OK folks.....your Maha Rushie will be back after this insane profit break.

Special Dog's World

           OK....you don't know me so I can tell these stories. While shopping at a major retailer today....because my 38 waist bluejeans don't fit anymore....I decided also that I need another pair of thermal socks....as that mystery of mysteries....where did the matching sock disappear to....has struck at my house once again. Anyway.....this huge retailer had only one type of thermal sock....and they had Christmas and winter themes on them....no big deal as I wear them under hiking or cowboy boots. The problem was that one pair was $9.97....as read a big sign at the top.

           I really have to think hard about spending $9.97 on one pair of socks....even though they were of a good quality....but there were a couple of smaller price signs at the end of a few of the hooks that said....$4.47. So I called an employee over who was working in that aisle.....and asked her which one was the real price. Well....maybe it was a bad day for her for she snapped...."That one" as she pointed to the big $9.97 sign....while snatching up the $4.47 signs....as if she thought I was trying to pull a fast one. Long story short.....well not really.....I put the pair of socks in the cart.
            Now I don't know about you but I don't like the self checkouts....as I always seem to have to ask for help. I scanned the socks and they came up....50 cents! Well....I'm not going to take advantage of a mistake so I called over the self checkout assistant and told her that this cannot be right....that I even asked an employee in the aisle how much the socks were and she said $9.97.
            The assistant scanned it on her smartphone and said....."No....it's coming up 50 cents." (It might help to know that if there is a quarter sitting by the slot at a car wash.....it stays there.....because it's not my quarter) On which I said again that I don't think that can be right.....so she called over the manager who said...."Wow".....but checked it out and said that the price was indeed 50 cents.....probably because of the holiday design. Well at 50 cents I wanted more than one pair but there was a big lineup now behind me because I had both self checkout employees helping me.
           So I took the bags to the truck and returned to the store.....and grabbed three more pairs.....(I didn't want to be a hog)  So here's where Special Dog's World gets more weird. There was a customer standing a few feet away.....looking at thermal gloves. If he wears thermal gloves he would probably wear thermal socks....so I asked him. "Hey buddy....are you looking for a deal?" Well I regretted right away doing this....at least phrasing it like that. He looked at me....masked....hair down to my shoulders.....(I haven't been to a barber in a year)....wearing sweats....as I just finished my walk....and didn't say anything.....so I continued...."This will only take a minute".....and told him the whole story....manager and all. He looked over the thermal socks.....and became like a kid in a candy store......grabbing a couple handfulls.
            I thought about telling the lady that earlier told me they were $9.97....that they were only 50 cents.....so she could verify it and put a sign up....and a lot of people could get this deal....but I remembered our conversation....and just went on to purchase the three pairs of socks.

Note: Folks....we need a little humor in life....and this was definitely....a little....humor. My wife just read me a t-shirt caption from a catalog that read.....Sometimes I talk to myself....then we both laugh and laugh. That's something I might buy....and wear on the boardwalk. (long story) The other day I heard a joke that Alan King once told....remember him....he said that he had three brothers who were all big time doctors.....and one day his elderly father was walking funny so the family took him to the hospital....where they took tests....and his brothers could not detect anything so they told the father for the time being just to rest up. He had another brother who was a bookie....who took the father's shoes to put in the bedroom.....and found last night's sock rolled up in the toe. So I might not have a PHD....but I know a sock problem when I have one.