I submit to you this photo for evidence. I will keep this post up for only 24 hours and it and the photo will self-destruct. Afterwards I will disavow any knowledge of the episode!!!
Things are not always as they seem. Take last night for instance. I went to a home furnishings store to buy a new alarm clock. As I was walking to the rear of the store where I knew the alarm clocks are I had to pass a section that sold dog toys. There were squeak toys, fetch toys and chew toys in bins. My dog doesn't fetch. He thinks he's my caddy. If I throw the toy and don't immediately go and get it he will walk over and point at it. So the choice was between chew and squeak. I picked up a bright green snake with black stripes. It has ( I have the cadaver in my hand right now) five sections of which the three middle ones have a squeaker inside. The other two sections are the head and the tail. Now I just gently picked it up and could hear laughter, noises and strange comments coming from somewhere. I looked around and then put the snake back and the noises returned from a little bit off to my left. Being the extremely intelligent and analytical person that I am it only took me about five squeak episode to figure out what was happening. One bin had little round balls and the very slightest movement made them give off various sounds. I thought it would be fun so I picked out a bright color and headed to the alarm clocks but there was one minor problem....the toy would not emit sounds when it was moving but when it stopped and was moved again...it started....Hey Baby!, Where Am I? or an occasional burp. I don't think that it was really a burp but I kept telling myself that it was. I got to the alarm clocks and set the ball down and began picking the various clocks up and setting them down. Each time I did there was a Hey Baby! or a Where Am I? or worse. One lady passed on the other side of the table with the alarm clocks. I held my breath and didn't move so as not to set off the ball on the shelf. She Picked up a clock and set it back down....Hey Baby!
Well, I did what any idiot would do. I picked up the ball, held it high with a stupid look on my face, and shook it causing it to...burp...thereby letting the woman know that it was a ball talking to her. There was no way to get this toy to the check-out counter without getting in trouble so I left it there, picked out an alarm clock and on the way up front I picked up the bright green snake with black stripes chew toy.
After I got home and set up the alarm clock I called the dog and threw the snake on the floor in front of him. He kept attacking the head while I tried to give instructions to bite the body and not the head. I did everything but put my own teeth around the snake's body and cause it to squeak. Now if it was a squeaking clown he might have been able to make it squeak but he doesn't like snakes...or skunks. He killed a skunk just last week. Write this down...it works...put one quart of hydrogen peroxide in a pan...mix in one-quarter cup of baking soda and a tablespoon of liquid soap. Anyway, I gave him the snake one more time and he destroyed the head. I'm sitting here writing this with the squeak toy on the chair's arm rest while my dog looks at me as if to ask..."What are you doing with that dead snake?"
