Womb To Tomb

          My wife always comes up with one real surprise gift each Christmas....and this year it was interesting....to say the least. It began about a month ago when the doorbell rang....and as I opened it a delivery person was holding his back while pushing a two-wheeled dolly back to the truck....after leaving a box of about two feet by two feet all around. At 70 years old I carry 40 pound water conditioner pellet bags in all the time but this box was a lot heavier than that....and awkward....and soft? I called my wife who was at work....and told her that a package was delivered....and written on it was...'BLANKET.' She said...."Oh that's for work....just put it upstairs for now." Not being the brightest bulb....(if it's going to her work....why take it upstairs)....I lugged it up a half step at a time.
           Segue to Christmas morning.....my wife and I the only ones here this year....and all the presents opened.....or so I thought.....when she said...."Oh there's another one for you upstairs." "Upstairs?" "Yeah that big box".....now Christmas wrapped. Once again not being the brightest bulb....instead of opening it upstairs....or at least asking where it was going to end up....I lugged it down a half step at a time.....for if I slipped....it was all over.
           I had to tear the box off rather than try to lift it out....and it was indeed ....a blanket? Now....you folks who are a lot more cosmopolitan than I probably heard of gravity blankets before but I had not. It's supposed to help you sleep better....and I really need that.....but how? So we laughed....and wondered....and I then had to lug it upstairs again....this time out of the box. It was like carrying the dead body of an adult male up steps.
          One person will never again change the bed sheets in our house. I collapsed on the bed with the....blanket....and started rolling it towards my wife.....too fast as it almost took her to the floor on the other side. Eventually with tugging and pulling we got it on....and had to wait for the evening to see how this modern wonder worked.
          One does not simply roll back the blanket and get in bed. In this case one pushes it like the top of a stone burial vault....and slides in....pulling it back over them.....but I admit it felt good....secure.....safe from a world with Donald Trump....like a womb. Have you ever been covered with about two feet of beach sand.....with only your head sticking out....most of us played that game at the beach.....well it kind of felt like that.
          I toss and turn in bed....even more so in the last four years....and it is tough to do with this....blanket....I asked my wife what magazine she got it from...and what the ad said....and if she was sure this wasn't an industrial blanket to protect generators in places like Antarctica? I also need from time to time....to roll the blanket down to cool off....just for a few moments...but with this it's like you should have an instruction manual....to do it correctly....and keep you from straining yourself. I did get it down to my knees....and the thought that immediately came to mind was of gangsters who would take the feet of a stoolie and cement them in a bucket....before tossing them off the pier. 
          Well it's been three nights so far....and I actually like it....as it does help with sleep....and it looks nice....but there should be some kind of instruction manual....and warning labels on it so that children under....say twelve....never experiment with it.

i May Be Asked This Some Day.....And I Need To Be Able To Answer It

 

            I have a slight problem.....it probably wouldn't seem too important to you.....but I like to keep certain things in order. OK....here it is....I'm not sure what my favorite television situation comedy is of all time. I have it narrowed down to three.....Everybody Loves Raymond.....The Middle....and Monk. 
            Raymond is all laughs.....in all 214 episodes.....of which I've seen three or four times each. My favorite episode is when Robert dates a woman who eats flies. I had that happen to me once.
            The Middle though....209 episodes....is really a show about Everyman....and Mike takes after me. I'll give you an example....in one episode Mike has to say some words from a podium at a family celebration of some sort.....Frankie is worried because Mike is so serious all the time.....so Mike steps up.....looks over the people assembled.....and says something kind off normal....and Frankie smiles.....then he pauses and says....."Look.....we're all gonna die.".....(that's something I would do).....on which Frankie's head drops.....but Mike had a reason for saying that and the talk actually went well.
            In the third show.....Monk....125 episodes....the thing is....watching Monk is like looking in a mirror. There's a framed picture in a local restaurant.....and it's slightly crooked.....and it drives me nuts.....if you know me maybe you know the restaurant....and the crooked picture....I can't reach it because it is over a table....maybe it drives you nuts too.....or maybe not? I have to analyze everything! I'm wondering right now why you are read this post all the way through? 
             I need to be able to answer the question when asked.....What's your favorite television comedy?. I've never been asked that.....fortunately.....but it may happen some day. I'm leaning to Raymond.....no wait....The Middle.....no wait....I shared this question with my wife....she just looked at me and said...."Monk".....and slammed the computer closed.....and went back to her book.
            

Puritans Just Want To Have Fun....At Times Anyway

            Lest you think that I am stuffy all the time....you might be interested in knowing that I can be a 'wild and crazy guy.' Don't believe it? Admittedly it was over a thirty-seven year span....but I was known at work to do things like bend one leg up and tie my ankle to my thigh....then fasten a mop handle to the leg to appear as a peg leg....wear my du-rag as a pirate bandana....cover one eye with a torn off piece of black garbage bag.....and walk around with a thick pirate brogue....."Ayyyye matey!" And another time put a new blonde mop head on as a wig....and using that same mop handle as a baton....with yellow safety tape as streamers.....bent backwards almost parallel to the ground....do a pretty good impersonation off a drum majorette. You should know this....I wasn't the only one in a weird mood at these times.....midnight shifts in a power plant can do strange things to people....otherwise it probably wouldn't have been thirty-seven years there.

             So this morning I may have gone a little overboard with my wife. There was a time when I listened to nothing but country music.....and she hated it.....but as time passed.....and two or three comets passed overhead.....probably having magical powers.....she all of a sudden listens to country music all the time....and I now hate it....but....and this is a big butt....country music doesn't seem to be anything like country music anymore.

             Back to this morning.....I came downstairs....she awoke earlier than me since I was up all hours of the morning posting on the demise of America.....and coming dystopian society....from Lamentations....and the radio was on as usual.....but for some reason there was a real country music song on....Mountain Music.....Alabama.....(when the state of Alabama was still the state of Alabama).....

             "Play me some mountain music.

               Like Grandma and Grandpa used to play.

                Then I'll float on down the river to the Cajun

                 hideaway...."

              That reminds me of a joke I once made up....."Knock knock"...."Who's there?"...."Ya"....."Ya who?"....."Yee...Haw!"

               

               I started clapping and moving one leg with the beat....I think I even shouted.....Yeehaw.....a time or two. I was simply trying to give a visual and oral commentary.....on modernism and its deleterious effect on our American heritage....and country music's inimical contribution to the collapse of America. I called her in the kitchen to hear a real country music song. Fortunately she was on her way to tennis.....we'll probably talk about it later....and this post will be gone....over to my humor page.

Afterthought: There is a time for humor.....a blessing in itself....like wine....making the heart glad....but in moderation. The Puritans were like this...thanking God for his wonderful blessings in this world....with laughter and humor....and at the same time praising Him for his holiness and majesty.....but you would never know this from all the comments made today about being...."Puritanical." Our British Donald Trump...Nigel Farage....even a month ago likened the Puritans of old....without whom he would probably be a politburo member in London....likened the "woke folk" of today....to the Puritans of old. Please read the following post to see who I am most of the time.