Womb To Tomb

          My wife always comes up with one real surprise gift each Christmas....and this year it was interesting....to say the least. It began about a month ago when the doorbell rang....and as I opened it a delivery person was holding his back while pushing a two-wheeled dolly back to the truck....after leaving a box of about two feet by two feet all around. At 70 years old I carry 40 pound water conditioner pellet bags in all the time but this box was a lot heavier than that....and awkward....and soft? I called my wife who was at work....and told her that a package was delivered....and written on it was...'BLANKET.' She said...."Oh that's for work....just put it upstairs for now." Not being the brightest bulb....(if it's going to her work....why take it upstairs)....I lugged it up a half step at a time.
           Segue to Christmas morning.....my wife and I the only ones here this year....and all the presents opened.....or so I thought.....when she said...."Oh there's another one for you upstairs." "Upstairs?" "Yeah that big box".....now Christmas wrapped. Once again not being the brightest bulb....instead of opening it upstairs....or at least asking where it was going to end up....I lugged it down a half step at a time.....for if I slipped....it was all over.
           I had to tear the box off rather than try to lift it out....and it was indeed ....a blanket? Now....you folks who are a lot more cosmopolitan than I probably heard of gravity blankets before but I had not. It's supposed to help you sleep better....and I really need that.....but how? So we laughed....and wondered....and I then had to lug it upstairs again....this time out of the box. It was like carrying the dead body of an adult male up steps.
          One person will never again change the bed sheets in our house. I collapsed on the bed with the....blanket....and started rolling it towards my wife.....too fast as it almost took her to the floor on the other side. Eventually with tugging and pulling we got it on....and had to wait for the evening to see how this modern wonder worked.
          One does not simply roll back the blanket and get in bed. In this case one pushes it like the top of a stone burial vault....and slides in....pulling it back over them.....but I admit it felt good....secure.....safe from a world with Donald Trump....like a womb. Have you ever been covered with about two feet of beach sand.....with only your head sticking out....most of us played that game at the beach.....well it kind of felt like that.
          I toss and turn in bed....even more so in the last four years....and it is tough to do with this....blanket....I asked my wife what magazine she got it from...and what the ad said....and if she was sure this wasn't an industrial blanket to protect generators in places like Antarctica? I also need from time to time....to roll the blanket down to cool off....just for a few moments...but with this it's like you should have an instruction manual....to do it correctly....and keep you from straining yourself. I did get it down to my knees....and the thought that immediately came to mind was of gangsters who would take the feet of a stoolie and cement them in a bucket....before tossing them off the pier. 
          Well it's been three nights so far....and I actually like it....as it does help with sleep....and it looks nice....but there should be some kind of instruction manual....and warning labels on it so that children under....say twelve....never experiment with it.