Come Lord Jesus......Just Call First Please

This is a rough post.....from 2022. I store it in my humor posts but I hope it might bring a tear more than anything else. 

A Lord's Day brunch prayer....before the big game

Lord Jesus 

As you know....for this blessing is from you....
        our son Kyle has a full football scholarship....
        at an SEC school....GO DOGS!
        and you have also blessed us with a beautiful daughter....
        whose wedding is planned for next year....
        and we need every minute of this year to prepare for it....
        so yes Lord Jesus....come....just not right now.

I know that America has strayed far from you...
        but that's really the Democrats Lord...
        I was just talking to the pastor the other day...
        at the pot luck after the service....before the game
        and he says that we are going to get the House back....
        and then we are going to throw Hunter Biden in Jail...

They're making us wear masks Lord....
        just like they put a crown of thorns on your head!
        our wonderful freedoms are being taken away....
        bless Donald Trump Lord....and Ron DeSantis....
            and Matt Gaetz...and Marjorie Taylor....I can't remember her last name....
                and the My Pillow Guy.

May I ask one more thing Lord....
        when you do come....
        can you call first...and leave a message
        to see if we are home....
        what with Bible studies and pickle ball and all
        a grandkid on the way....
        it's going to be a busy decade or so.

So all praise to you Lord....
        Come Lord Jesus....
        With all your mighty angels....
        In Power and glory....
        And righteous judgment....(on the Democrats)....
        Just not right now.

Just one last very personal request Lord...
        just in case Billy Graham was right
        and you are indeed coming real soon....
        could you possibly schedule the rapture....
        in early April.....
        (just after March Madness if possible)
        so I don't have to break my back...
        unnecessarily spreading all that mulch....
               and fertilizer?
        (I missed the first week of this year's....
        church golf league because of it....
        and couldn't bend over to putt)

What Not To Read Before Going To Bed

            Rush was in seventh heaven. This would be the third time that he played Augusta National Golf Club but he would be playing it with the President of the United States. As he just stood and looked down the fairway to the first green he marveled at the beauty of the golf course and this world in general but the sirens awakened him out of his trance. The motorcade pulled right up to the tee and out stepped Donald Trump.

          "Good morning Mr. President. It's a great day for golf!"
          "Mornin' Rush, how much do you want to play for?"
          "Well Mr. President I'm not much of a betting man....how about a grand a hole?"
          "You're on."

           Next out of the Lincoln was Jared Kushner....and then Ivanka....and then a pleasant enough looking man in a suit and tie who kind of looked like....it was....Sean Spicer....the White House press secretary? Two young men and an older man walked up to the tee. They were to be the caddies....the one looked familiar.

           "So Mr. President.  Who will be the foursome."
            "Jared, you and me. Ivanka is here to advise me and Sean sends out my tweets."
           "OooooKaaay. Who tees up first."
           "Ivanka, who tees up first?"
           "You do Dad."

           The first hole was a 445 yard slightly right dogleg with a huge sand trap a little over halfway down the right side of the fairway and another huge trap just to the front left of the green. The president teed off...the ball sailed high and slightly to the right...landing in the trap.

           "Oh...tough one Mr. President."
           "Sean"... shouted the president...."Send out a tweet....'Really big drive on Augusta one!' "

           Jared stepped up to the tee but didn't tee anything up. He stood over the grass....took a couple of practice swings....moved two feet forward and swung. Both he and the president looked out on the fairway at....nothing!

          "Good tee shot Jared!"
          "Thanks Dad."

          Rush just scratched his head. It was his turn. His caddie handed him his driver. The caddie looked familiar.

         "Don't I know you?"

         The president spoke up.

         "That's Steven K. Bannon, Rush. I promoted him just this morning to Augusta National caddie."
 
          Rush felt a weird rush....but just teed up and sent the ball out about 250 yards....in the fairway....missing the trap. Now he usually likes to gab on the golf course but was a little taken aback....because Jared swung at nothing....Rush thought anyway....but it was a good shot....and a National Security Council adviser was promoted into being his caddie?
         The President stood in the trap...planted his feet in the sand and hacked....again and again....finally getting the ball out of the sand....over the fairway and into the rough.

         "Sean!....Tweet....'on in two!' "

          Rush asked....Steven K. Bannon....for his seven iron....and when given it tipped his hat. He didn't know what else to say. He played the shot and came up about about ten yards short of the green....but a good shot.  Jared was last since his drive was the longest....Rush guessed. He swung at nothing again and leaned left....

         "Come on ball....hold!"

         The president shouted from forty yards away...

         "Great shot Jared!!

         President Trump had a nine iron in his hands when Ivanka rushed up to him and whispered into his ear. He called to his caddie for his putter....from 150 yards out? He swung the putter hard and advanced the ball about about twenty yards....walked forward and basically putted his way to the green...because of Ivanka's advice.
        Rush lobbed his third shot about twenty yards from the pin. Meanwhile Jared had taken a pitching wedge....swung....at nothing again....and then the President, Ivanka and Sean Spicer all let out a scream! Rush ducked...looked left and right...what was up?

        "Great shot Jared...that should be a tap in!"

         There were the four of them on the green...the president...Jared...Rush...and Sean Spicer...what was he doing on the green....what was he doing in this threesome....or twosome...or whatever the heck it was? Who was to putt first in this circus. Rush was closer than the president but who knows where Jared was.
        The president stepped up to his ball and putted about three feet past the hole then kind of pushed it a couple times into the hole. Rush looked at Jared who nodded for him to putt. He two putted for a bogey five....not bad. Jared lined up his putt....presumably....either that or he was sleeping....or praying. He walked forward...and tapped whatever he was looking at into the hole then he reached into the cup to pull out....nothing....and putting nothing into his pocket.
        As they walked off the green Rush, who had the scorecard, asked the president...

      "Okay. I got a five....Jared got a ....what did Jared get Mr. President?"
       "A birdie."
       "OoooKaaaay....Jared got a birdie...and you got what...a thirteen or fourteen?"
       "I got a par four?"

       Rush chuckled and softly said to the president....

       "Uh....Mr. President....par four is good for me....you deserved it....but your caddie....I heard him say that his daddy is the president of St. Pierre in the South Pacific. His daddy sent him to the states for an education and to learn the value of money. Uh....he might tell someone."
       "The President of St. Pierre in the South Pacific huh...where's that?"
       "Uh St. Pierre?"
       "No...the South Pacific. Never mind I'll send over a battle group....put me down for a par four....and you owe me a grand.....Sean!....tweet....'sending a battle group to St. Pierre!' "

       Rush had pictured a great...even wonderful day at Augusta...an alarm sounded...what was that....an air raid? He fell out of bed and turn the alarm off and said out loud...

       "I should never have read that Special Dog crap before bed!"

NOTE: Donald Trump is actually a scratch golfer.....presumably anyway....I'm a scratch golfer too....after every swing I scratch my head.

       

A Degree In Cannabis Science?

 This came to my mind this afternoon while in a seminar on estate planning:

The plan was for the father to pay for the son's college education. The son came home from college during his first semester.....and his father asked him what he was going to major in. The son answered...."Cannabis Science." The father looked at him and said...."Let me get this straight. I am going to pay for you to go to college to study.....Cannabis Science?" The son replied...."Well that's what I want to do." The father paused and added...."Well....if there's a will....there's a way." The son said...."Gee thanks dad!" To which the father corrected him...."You misunderstand....if I am dead....then there is a will....and that would be your way. Short of my death....I am not providing money for you to go to college and study....Cannabis Science!"

Debate Snippets

............................................................................

I was typing quickly....but here are some of the snippets I watched of the debate....

B. Baier......."This question is to Vivek Ramaswamy....'Are those dental implants?"

V. R............."Of course....and if I am elected....every single American will be able to afford
                     dental implants."

B. Baier......."Thank you....Chris Christie....you look like you want to attack Vivek
                      Ramaswamy?"

C. C............."There is no place on this stage for someone that thin!"

Martha M....."Nikki Haley.....what is your view on abortion?"

N. H............."I have the same view on abortion that seventy United States Senators have."

Martha M....."Which is....?"

N. H.............."Depends on what they have at the time."

B. B.............."Governor DeSantis....what is your opinion on taxes?"

R. D.............."I would fire Anthony Fauci....kick him until he falls....and then jump on his
                        face."

B.B..............."What does that have to do with taxes?"

R. D.............."Oh I thought you said....Texas."

B. B............. "What would Texas have to do with Dr. Fauci?"

R. D.............."And I will never shut down this country....even if three hundred million people
                        are dead....that still leaves thirty million to boycott Disney."

Martha M......"Former Vice President Pence....earlier you said that you would still
                        support Donald Trump as nominee even if he was found guilty
                        of crimes?"

M. P..............."And what is the question?"

Martha M......."No question....I just wanted to bring that up."

B. B................"Mr. Burgess...."

D. B................"That's Burgum!"

B. B................"Sorry....Mr. Bur...gum....just what is it that you do for a living?"

D.B................."I am a governor?"

B. B................"Of what state?"

D. B................"North Dakota."

B. B................"Thank you.....Mr. Christie....would you step out from in front of that podium
                         for a minute....so that everyone can see how overweight you are?"

R. D................"Hey....I'm over here you know....you haven't asked me a question yet."

B.B.................."We have asked you five questions so far Governor DeSantis."

R. D................."Sure....and I'm Mickey Mouse!"

C.C.................."He has the ears!"

Martha M........."I would like to give a 'raise your hand' question to all of you....remember....if
                            you do not answer quickly.....people will think that you are indecisive......
                            'How many of you would support the Republican Party nominee even if
                            it was the devil himself'?"

All the hands go up.....and then they all go down....and then some go back up again.....this goes on for two minutes....and they are still going up and down!

B. Beiar................"Well that's all the time we have for tonight....we all know who won!